Roger Huang is the founder of City Impact Ministries in San Francisco. Over the last three decades, God has radically changed countless lives in the Tenderloin District, an area marred by poverty, addiction, disease, and crime, because one man decided to chase after Him.
Looking out across the pounding surf, I see the gulls wheeling and swooping on the sea breeze. Their flight seems effortless and masterful, using the wind to their full advantage, to lift them to new heights. I am ready to fly too.
I can feel something tugging at my heart. Thoughts working themselves out in my mind. A fervent hope rising in my spirit. I am longing to fast and see God move. To pray and hear back from Him. To fight the spiritual battles that can hold us back if we don’t invite God into our circumstances. Who would have thought that a sermon series from a pastor in Fremont could unleash such a longing in me? I have nothing in common with him — except this unassailable urge to connect with the God who loves me. The God who chased me down and found me. I feel a lump forming in my throat and tears prick at my eyes.
“God, I am ready for You to speak to me. I’m listening. Will You speak to me?”
A salty mist rises up from the beach, dampening the air. I breathe it in and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I have started fasting regularly. Praying for God to move in my life and the lives of people around me. Even after repeated weekends of taking men from our church to pray and fast at Albion, I am still not satisfied. I know it is good; it’s not that.
One man’s wife came up to me after last retreat and thanked me. “My husband is a different man. God bless you.”
And God is blessing me. Lord’s Land [Christian Retreat Center] has grounded me in these practices of prayer and fasting. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know that I need more of God in my life. I want Him to know that I am serious about seeking Him.
The moments I spend in Albion in the woods, face lifted toward the beckoning treetops, I can sense Him near. I can feel His pleasure when I press my forehand to the floor of the cabin, telling Him how I love Him and how I need Him more. As I read His words over and over, thumbing through the Gospels and the letters of Paul, I know I am where I am supposed to be, enriching my mind with righteousness and truth. During times of fasting, with a growling stomach and an even hungrier heart for God, a sense of peace and rightness fills me. But I’m still unsatisfied. I want to hear from Him. A specific word. A certain direction He wants me to go. I want Him to speak to me.
“I’m ready to hear you, God.” My words are lost on the breeze.
I rub my palms on my knees, thinking about these past years. Salvation. Church. Family. Ministry. Struggling. Learning. Growing. Stretching. There is a thought that is lingering in my mind. Maybe God wants more from me. Maybe I am just scratching at the surface with retreats and video editing and cleaning the bathrooms at church. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough or listening long enough for this gracious God who found me and pulled me toward Him to reveal Himself to me.
“Okay, God,” I say out loud, my voice catching in the wind. “I know You are real. That You love me. That You have saved me. But I want more, and I want to give You more of myself. I’m going to chase after You. Full-time. I’m not going to hold anything back.”
The cries of the seabirds answer me. But there is a fullness in my heart as I stand and head back up the rock-strewn path. It is official. I’m going to chase after God with all I have. He’s got me.
This is an excerpt from Chasing God: One Man’s Miraculous Journey in the Heart of the City by Roger Huang. Copyright 2013 Roger Huang. Published by David C. Cook.
